Sorry Billy Idol, but it’s definitely not a nice day for a
white wedding. It is, however, a nice day to start again.
…quota of 80’s rock lyrics has now been filled…
To put it blandly, the institution of marriage is fraught
with oppressive traditions, and leaves most feminists uncomfortable with the
wide acceptance and celebration of marriage. There is much to discuss in
regards to feminist attitudes towards marriage, but I’ll just focus for now on
the traditional “white wedding”; the manifestation of Christian concepts of
marriage that has become standard across the Western world. Here are three white-wedding-customs,
and the reason we should reconsider endorsing them.
1. The White Dress
It is in fact the gorgeous, pearly, floor-length gown that
resides at the centre of our white wedding mental images. However the lesser
known facts of the white dress’ symbolism have straight up brutal connotations.
White has forever been the colour of purity, and represents virginity in the
context of marriage. The incorporation of white on the bride hails from a
strong history of expecting women to be a virgin upon marriage – AKA
suppressing female sexuality. Firstly, this expectation is never imposed on
men, but more toxic is the idea that a woman’s virginity is the groom’s
property, to be claimed on the wedding night. In fact many other aspects of
typical bridal attire such as a corsage or garter were originally symbolic of a
woman losing her virginity on her “big night”. The man would (forcibly,
painfully, without consent) have sex with his new bride and take her virginity,
thereby “deflowering” her. White… flowers… wearing it on your wedding day… not
wearing it the day after… it actually has a historically social significance,
and it’s not pretty.
2. “Giving Away” the Bride
If this isn’t the most explicit display of women being
treated as men’s property, then I don’t know what is. As the bride walks down
the aisle on the arm of her father to be given
her waiting almost-husband, guests witness the very essence of female
subjugation. The tradition stems from a time when daughters were explicitly the
property of their fathers and under their total control until marriage, when
ownership was passed to the husband (think Jane Austen/Wuthering Heights
society). “Control”, “ownership”, “property”; these words have slowly been
erased from our social vocabulary surrounding women, but their connotations
still strongly linger. Women are still implicitly expected to be subordinate to
their husbands, for example in the way a wife is supposed to travel or leave
her career to support her husband, but rarely the other way around. Even issues
like domestic violence largely originate in the socialisation that women are
men’s property, and can be treated however the “highest bidder” deems fit.
Basically the giving-away tradition is subtly validating a patriarchal view of
women that should have died with Victorian England.
3. Wedding Night Sex
I’ve already touched on the oppressive expectation of
virginity for women on their wedding night, but this custom has even further
harms (not exactly “the best part” anymore). Sex on the first night of being
husband and wife can be easily analogised to a dog peeing on a post. Yep you
read that right. Society has forever held the idea that once a woman has been
penetrated, she is “tainted” – evident in single mothers both historically and
currently being “un-marriable” as well as modern day slut shaming. So the
husband taking his wife’s virginity on the wedding night is literally him
marking his territory, much like a dog pees on a post. This sounds very
forcible and rough, and it certainly was in some cases back in the good ol’
days, but even genuine consensual wedding night sex nowadays is quietly
encouraging the idea that a marriage must be consummated to be legitimate. This
not only comes with a tone of female submission, but erases same-sex marriage,
trans people and asexual people, amongst others.
A wedding is supposed to be the best day of a person’s life,
and if a traditional Christian ceremony with big white dresses and white
flowers is the fulfilment of a childhood dream, then of course each to their
own. But by creating more awareness of the origins of people’s favourite
wedding traditions, we can empower women to have full control over the public
display of their marriages with completely transparent connotations that suit
their beliefs.
P.S. Dear Future Husband,
These are my terms and conditions.
Love, Hannah.
I dont think that people who engage in wedding night sex are doing something anti-feminist. theyve just spent all day talking about how much they love each other, and probably have had sex a lot of times before. if they truly were waiting for marriage, thats a religious tradition that does not have to be oppressive, their choice to wait should be just as respected as their choice not to. Respecting female sexuality is respecting that she might also not want to have sex until then. The first two points are interesting, although i hope the traditions have moved on a bit. I also understand that the importance society places on sex in marriage is harmful to asexual people. However, how is this erasive to gay people and trans people amongst others. You know that they can still have sex right?
ReplyDeleteOf course couples having sex whenever they want is not at all anti-feminist, its the idea that wedding night sex is a "tradition" that must take place, and that everyone expects to happen. This expectation of the custom to continue should (ideally) be phased out because it comes from such an inexcusable history. And by erasing queer and trans people, I meant that the tradition of wedding night sex is centred around the idea of vaginal penetration and losing virginity, which has always been extremely cis and hetero normative
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