Virginity Doesn't Exist

From the awkward moment sometime around eight years old when we learn what the elusive “s-word” actually entails, we enter a realm of obsession surrounding virginity. People lie about it, feel ashamed about it, are harassed and assaulted about it, joke about it… But here’s the thing:

Virginity literally does not exist.

…at least not in the way we’re made to think it does.

Let’s talk about hymens. Virginity is supposedly definitively lost upon first sexual intercourse, with alterations to the hymen being the physical determinant if a woman has had sex. This is false for so. many. reasons. Firstly, this theory is anatomically incorrect. There is often an idea of something “breaking” or “popping” when a girl first has intercourse, but that just kind of doesn’t make sense. The hymen is a thin film of tissue that partially covers the vagina, and instead of being “broken” by a penis or other forms of penetration, it is slightly stretched to the side. It’s logical really – if there is something fully covering the vagina that must be “popped” during intercourse, how does menstrual blood come out…? And hence, notions of pain and blood during first sexual experience are also misconstrued. Pain and blood is caused far more often by tense muscles, lack of lubrication or rough intercourse rather than the hymen tearing, and is not at all indicative of the female state of “virginity”. In fact, in ye olde times, women would scratch their thighs on their wedding night to draw blood and “prove” their virginity. Also, the hymen can be stretched or worn away by activities other than sex. Sport, masturbation, and genetics can all cause the hymen to be stretched or slightly torn before intercourse.

"H" is the hymen; it usually does not cover the vagina

Secondly this model of virginity is extremely cis and hetero-normative. Since it implies that the physical act of losing virginity must be performed by a penis during vaginal intercourse, it leaves little to no room for people who are gay, trans or fall outside of the binary. Does this mean a trans woman is magically a virgin again post-transition? Does this mean lesbian sex will never result in a loss of virginity? The assumption of a physically defined state of virginity almost completely erases non cis-hetero experiences. It can also impose harmful expectations of rape victims, many of whom have not had sex despite being penetrated; they have been a victim of violence. There is a huge difference between sex and rape, which the concept of virginity often does not take into account.

And throughout this article, we have seen a trend – “virginity” in both a physical and cultural sense usually impacts women more than men.

Sure, men are subject to humiliation if their perceived state of virginity is not masculine enough, and gay and trans men are also erased upon issues of virginity. But in more cases than not, it is women who are victimised, shamed and attacked for the status of their sexual activity. The ideas of pain, breaking and “damaging” sexual purity refer almost solely to vaginas, hence predominantly effect women (although not all women have vaginas and vice versa). Once again, we delve into the world of suppressing female sexuality. By encouraging a specific standard of unpleasant consequences upon women – never men – we estrange girls from taking ownership of their sexuality. The idea that a woman’s virginity is something “lost” through pain and force to their own demise is like a leitmotif of humanity. Not only does that statement prove that year 9 English class wasn’t a waste of time, it explains one of the premises for the socialisation that all girls receive, telling them their sexuality must be protected and feared, only to be inevitably taken from them.

So here’s a concluding proposition:

1.      Fix the sex education curriculum in schools to more accurately and comprehensively explain the hymen.

2.      Don’t portray girls who have “lost their virginity” in a slut-shaming, negative light especially when the same treatment is not inflicted upon men.

3.      Change the way we discuss virginity. Virginity can definitely still be used as a concept to refer to a person gaining sexual knowledge and experience, but we have to ensure it is kept separate from any physical attributes.

4.      Celebrate in a land of rainbows and sunshine at our sexually emancipated society.

Xx Hannah

Leave your thoughts and comments below!